Sunday, March 30, 2008

Hot as Ice!

My niece, a 12-year-old, has started talking about cute and popular guys at school.. Although we joke around about it a lot, something inside me so bad wants her to stop!! Last night after a small chit-chat with her I started thinking about my life.. When I started realizing love.. The real love I mean.. Not all the imaginary lovers I had when I was her age from James Smith in Pocahontas and that singer in LA and my plans to grow up soon and move to US to be with him happily ever after, to that movie director who had just lost his wife and my only problem was how to convince my mom to let me marry a guy who's youngest child was my age!!!
Have I ever been in love? I think I was once, years ago when i was too young to understand what's going on!! I'd be lying if I say I don't miss that feeling.. You see, I wasn't only in love with the guy, I was in love with every single day of my life.. No matter how I felt or how bad my day was only a phone call from him and I was the shiniest girl in the globe!
When I compare myself to those days I can't help but wondering what has happened to that girl! I used to be emotional, nice and caring.. I used to love and be loved and be grateful for that.. I used to know what I want.. Most importantly I used to be a woman, when my heart was as hot as fire not as ice!!!
A friend of mine told me a couple of nights ago that he feels a part of him dies with every relationship that goes wrong! Is it only him or that's what happens to all of us??!! We give, we receive, we hurt, we get hurt, we go through emotional break downs, we "think" we've learned our lesson and feel stronger for the next one! What we don't know is that we're not getting stronger, we're making our guard around us thicker to protect ourselves from the unknown! From things that would hurt us again! So we can move on easier every time we're involved with a new person until it becomes a routine! First thing you don't like, you break it up and shout: "Next!"
How many "nexts" did I have, I simply don't know! There are many faces and names that fades out in time..
But the whole procedure has made a new person out of me.. Someone who can't trust her feelings herself.. Gets attached easily, disattached easier.. Loves this minute, doubts her feelings the very next minute.. Gets mad and forgives, gets upset and moves on, gets hurt shrugs and calls it a hard luck!!!! Someone who cares and doesn't care at the same time.. Laughs at the same thing that made her cry the night before.. Someone who looks for love everywhere but when she finds it she gets panic attacks, feels suffocated and runs away!!!
Now when I feel my niece is at the age of starting to experience emotional stuffs how can I warn her about the outcomes without sounding like a loser?? How would a 12 year old understand when I tell her she needs to be careful that she might end up getting hurt but still has to have her hopes up and look forward to a beautiful relationship?? Would she understand it if I tell her variety is spice of life but she needs to get familiar with the term "enough"? How can I explain to her that what goes around, comes around and she needs to pay extra care while she's dealing with others' feelings! That she shouldn't want to be everything to someone or makes someone everything, that all she needs is to be something to someone!
My dad says when you can put your finger on where the problem is you've already passed 50% of the way.. I know I'm on my half way but the question is isn't it too late to change to be able to pass the second half??!!


me said...

هم جان و هم جانانه ای اما در دلبری افسانه ای اما
اما ز من بیگانه ای اما
آزرده ام خواهی چرا تو ای نوگل زیبا
افسرده ام خواهی چرا تو ای آفت دلها

عاشق کشی شوخی تو زیبایی
شیرین لبی اما دل آزاری
با ما سر جور و جفا داری
می سوزم از هجران تو نترسی ز آه من
دست من و دامان تو چه باشد گناه من

دارم ز تو نامهربان
شوقی به دل شوری به جان می سوزم از سوز نهان
ز جانم چه می خواهی نگاهی به من گاهی

Marjan said...

Sweet cousin:

You are far from being a loser or feeling lost. All you need to do is to look deep inside and find the answer to your question.

Variety is the spice, but too much spice ruins the taste, not to mention it causes heart burn and indigestion; that’s why you want to get rid of the food without having the chance to savor it.

I am not going to show you the way, because you probably will not follow it unless you find it yourself. It is great to learn from others’ experiences, but again, each person is unique and generalization doesn’t always work when it comes to human nature, especially to a person like you: so unique!

If I were you, I would take a break. How long? Enough to learn how to be self-sufficient and to find out what I am looking for, and if I entered into dating game again after I emerged from my cocoon, a fully grown butterfly dancing in the dating scene again, I would take it quite slow, slow enough to see if this relationship can have the potential of turning to something meaningful and lasting or if I should leave it before I let another part of me die.

But would this work for you sweetheart, only you can find the answer.

Tons of love,

shervin said...

Dear Azin,
I don't know you and probably you don't me! Just wanted to say that I loved your blog.please carry on.
good luck:)

Azin said...

Thanks Shervin and Me?? sorry hun I'm on my break.. How long? Enough to learn how to be self-sufficient and to find out what I am looking for..
See Marjan I'm learning.. Now if you be kind enough to find the answer for me, I'll cook for you this weekend cuz I'm tired of thinking;)Love you more khoshgel!

Sam said...

I like the honesty and freedom in your writtings! you are so brave to face the reality! but dont stay there, reality is not all, it's not the end of the world! new life begins with the TRUTH, search for the truth, you'll find it and it will set you free from all principalities and rules of the world!
Dear, you've passed more than %50 :)

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