Sunday, March 30, 2008

Hot as Ice!

My niece, a 12-year-old, has started talking about cute and popular guys at school.. Although we joke around about it a lot, something inside me so bad wants her to stop!! Last night after a small chit-chat with her I started thinking about my life.. When I started realizing love.. The real love I mean.. Not all the imaginary lovers I had when I was her age from James Smith in Pocahontas and that singer in LA and my plans to grow up soon and move to US to be with him happily ever after, to that movie director who had just lost his wife and my only problem was how to convince my mom to let me marry a guy who's youngest child was my age!!!
Have I ever been in love? I think I was once, years ago when i was too young to understand what's going on!! I'd be lying if I say I don't miss that feeling.. You see, I wasn't only in love with the guy, I was in love with every single day of my life.. No matter how I felt or how bad my day was only a phone call from him and I was the shiniest girl in the globe!
When I compare myself to those days I can't help but wondering what has happened to that girl! I used to be emotional, nice and caring.. I used to love and be loved and be grateful for that.. I used to know what I want.. Most importantly I used to be a woman, when my heart was as hot as fire not as ice!!!
A friend of mine told me a couple of nights ago that he feels a part of him dies with every relationship that goes wrong! Is it only him or that's what happens to all of us??!! We give, we receive, we hurt, we get hurt, we go through emotional break downs, we "think" we've learned our lesson and feel stronger for the next one! What we don't know is that we're not getting stronger, we're making our guard around us thicker to protect ourselves from the unknown! From things that would hurt us again! So we can move on easier every time we're involved with a new person until it becomes a routine! First thing you don't like, you break it up and shout: "Next!"
How many "nexts" did I have, I simply don't know! There are many faces and names that fades out in time..
But the whole procedure has made a new person out of me.. Someone who can't trust her feelings herself.. Gets attached easily, disattached easier.. Loves this minute, doubts her feelings the very next minute.. Gets mad and forgives, gets upset and moves on, gets hurt shrugs and calls it a hard luck!!!! Someone who cares and doesn't care at the same time.. Laughs at the same thing that made her cry the night before.. Someone who looks for love everywhere but when she finds it she gets panic attacks, feels suffocated and runs away!!!
Now when I feel my niece is at the age of starting to experience emotional stuffs how can I warn her about the outcomes without sounding like a loser?? How would a 12 year old understand when I tell her she needs to be careful that she might end up getting hurt but still has to have her hopes up and look forward to a beautiful relationship?? Would she understand it if I tell her variety is spice of life but she needs to get familiar with the term "enough"? How can I explain to her that what goes around, comes around and she needs to pay extra care while she's dealing with others' feelings! That she shouldn't want to be everything to someone or makes someone everything, that all she needs is to be something to someone!
My dad says when you can put your finger on where the problem is you've already passed 50% of the way.. I know I'm on my half way but the question is isn't it too late to change to be able to pass the second half??!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Too Tired to Function...

After months of asking, begging almost crying for my manager to get me more involved, I finally got into accounting.. Now every morning me and my mathematicsless brain go to work, stare at the endless bunch of numbers and control sheets, remember the good old days of doing nothing and sigh!!!!!
I can't really tell if my boss (the main boss I mean, cuz everyone even our receptionist acts as my boss!!!!) likes me.. Last time he told me he's gonna get me a soup (I've started feeling old. The whole winter I was sick, coughing and complaining about the pain in my bones!!!) and when I asked him what kind of a soup he added that he's gonna surprise me!
((Why I always think surprises are good stuff??))
He brought me a Caribbean Chicken Soup.. What he forgot to tell me, most likely cuz it was the "surprise", was that there were 2 chicken feet in the soup!!! Only the idea of having 2 disgusting chicken feet right under my nose made me sick enough not to be able to touch my soup, so I hid my yukky chicken feet soup in the garbage bin, thanked him and promised myself not to fall for his surprises again!!!!
And now this accounting thingy.. I'm really not sure if he gave me more responsibilities cuz he thought I could do them or gave them to me to make me quiet for a while!!!!
In less than a month I either get a nice, yeayyy-I-did-it promotion, or would go down with a pure humiliation!!!!
This new year I asked god to give me something like a camel's hump, where I can save some energy.. So if I sleep well on weekend I can stay awake on weeknights!! Perhaps this way I wouldn't fall asleep for our new year next year and wouldn't feel this tired while I'm at work and could manage to smile when people keep talking about stuffs that I have no interest in..
This morning I saw this lady I barely know in our elevator, from the basement to 9th floor she told me the whole story of what a nasty Easter she had this year as she just found out her husband is cheating on her and how lucky I am for not having to live with a pig!!! I'm a good girl and listen to others advices.. the whole day I felt really happy for not having to live with a pig only falling for the pigs!!!!!!!

Monday, March 24, 2008

If God Hadn't Made Her, I would Have Ordered One!!!

My oldest sister,mother of 2, announced very proudly that her new year's resolution is to become selfish and stared at me like waiting for me to say: "Oooh Good for ya!!!" and since she's very physically strong I didn't dare to ask her why!!
Since I was a kid whenever she wanted to make me do something she would simply sit on me and start tickling me.. For most of the people and Oxford dictionary tickle means to touch the body LIGHTLY so as to cause laughter or twitching movements. For my family that has her around it means feeling some irony sticks scratching your bones give you such a pain that makes you make funny noises, which she believes is the way we all laugh!!!
Her nickname is "hamechindaan" since she thinks she knows everything and her most reliable source is her husband!! I swear to god I can see her at nights lying down on her tummy in their bed, her hands under her chin, tangling her legs gently up and down and listening to her husband trying to memorize every single word to transfer to us the day after!!! And if we correct her about some of the info she just gives us one of those What-Do-You-Know looks and says: "Saeid says that!!!!!" like he's the top source of CNN News!!
Her early morning and late night calls are nothing but trouble, mostly regarding her kids.. Either she wants me to drop them off somewhere or pick them up from somewhere just cuz she can't say "No" to her children and it's really easy for her not taking any No's from me!!!
I can't recall a moment when she's accepted she's made a mistake or perhaps has been wrong!!! I mean even when she asked my other sister if our friend's daughter is a retard and the mother heard her and got upset, she just got mad how dare someone eaves dropping her very private conversation right in the middle of the party at dinner table!!!! And when I asked her what would she's done if the lady had said the same thing about her son her explanation was that she would have got extremely offended just cuz her son does not look like a retard!!
Joke around with her no matter what but say something about her age and say good-bye to life!!
When you're upset or mad at something don't get near her cuz she finds it funny to give comments that drives you crazy and still thinks her biggest mistake was that she didn't become a psychologist!
God bless those people's soul that she doesn't like, cuz she thinks her major responsibility is to show them she doesn't like them verbally, emotionally, non-verbally, body languagely everything!
She's one of the most generous people I've ever known but still has a special sensitivity over her belongings.. The last time we were at her house we had to leave our poker game unfinished because of a couple of Red Wine drops on her furniture!!! And when her daughter stepped on her "sabzeh" she was growing for "haft sin" she sat close to her plant and cried like she's saying goodbye to her kid!!
She cries easily, laughs easier and loves the easiest.. She is a woman to love;)

Thursday, March 20, 2008

عید هرگز نه فراموش می شود، نه گم اما این من فراموش شده است که باید به یاد آورده شود پیدا شود نو شود ...سال نو مبارک

هِی عهد می کنم که دگر خم نمی شوم
دیگر اسیر ِ گیسوی ِ درهم نمی شوم
هِی توبه می کنم و باز توبه می شکنم
باری حقیقتی است: من آدم نمی شوم